“We are all wonderful, beautiful wrecks. That's what connects us--that we're all broken, all beautifully imperfect.”
―
Emilio Estevez
"All I could
find that was worth looking is this diary," said a man dressed as a cop -
one hand held a flashlight and the other held an old and highly worn out diary.
"Bag it. Tag it.
You know it," a second voice boomed from the other room.
It was a slightly
chilly morning as two policemen rummaged the house of a woman who had died the
previous morning. She lived alone and had no one who could claim her body. The
police had been searching for clues everywhere. Her workplace wasn't much of a
help. It seemed that the girl, all of 24, was the meekest little thing on
Earth. Colleagues described her as a shy personality. Not much of a talker.
Sincere at work though. In order to find some link to her vague life, the
police ended up at her doorstep. It looked as if their search would be futile.
********
...September 19, 2012
..What is
up with the people these days? They become rabid in crowded places. Yeah, yeah
we all have somewhere to get to. So we become a herd. All of us. I think me
too. To some extent. Guilty. ;)
I think
one day we would turn to robots. Killed on the inside by monotony. Routine! Ugh!
September
28, 2012
Saw a cat
in the middle of the road. Poor thing was injured. Picked it up and placed it
on the footpath. Was already running late for work or else I really
would've taken it to the vet or something. Strangely, it was nowhere to be seen
when I was returning in the evening. I don't want to think of what may have
happened to it. The world is too cruel. It doles out unspeakable horrors on
those that are able enough to raise their voice. I shudder to think what it
could do to beings that can't even speak up.
September
30, 2012
Agnes
from work suggested we go out for a bite at the new place after our shift ends.
I didn't go. Push people away. If people came along with signs, that is what
mine would read. She went anyway. Everyone. Even the new department head. He
is... He is sort of beautiful.
October
15, 2012
Busy!
Busy! Busy! Phew! I am up to my eyeballs in work. And that's not me
exaggerating. Have to stay back late sometimes. I am okay. Do I have an option?
Hmm. He is a hard worker. The new guy. It motivates me to see him so involved
in what he does. He really is something.
October
20, 2012
One of
those days when everything just puts you off... There are so many faces in the
crowd which plaster a smile as they walk every day. Chances are they aren't
really that sunshiny on the inside. For them every day is a battle. A tedious
journey to embark upon. Whether they like it or not is another matter.
October
23, 2012
Thunderstorms.
Are. So. Scary. It doesn't help that I am all alone in this house. I miss my
mom. She would've been right beside me on nights like this.
October
24, 2012
Uh... New
guy at work actually stays in front of my apartment. Like I can actually see
him as he goes about his usual day. He's reading something on his phone as I
write this. Yeah. I can see him. He looks good in a suit. ;)
November
5, 2012
Saw an
old couple walking hand in hand today in the park. Looked like he genuinely
cared for her. They kept looking into each other's eyes every now and then. It
was affectionate. The lady kept talking about something and then the older man
interrupted her midway with a comment that had her in splits. They seemed so
happy and content to me. I remembered my Mom. She never had that.
November
18, 2012
Static in
my head. Got no words... Nothing to say.
November
20, 2012
Why do
all the good people have to go away so soon? Its unfair. And illogical. I don't
know how or what procedure He follows while writing people's lives. Is there a
rule book for Him? The God Protocol. Ha ha ha ha! That was a good one.
November
22, 2012
Sufa.
That's his name. It is so different. He is so different. It's so typical of
someone like me to start liking someone even if they don't really know the
person that well. But I really do like him. He is not like the rest. I have
seen him as he goes about his house each morning and night. I stand near my
window just enough so that I can see him and also conceal myself. I don't want
him catching me staring at him. Stalking him. God no! I just... I don't know...
November
25, 2012
A
homeless man died on the street today. They said he died in his sleep. And
there's no one that knows much about him. A loner. A nobody. I know how that
feels like.
November
30, 2012
He reads.
A lot! Every Sunday he goes up to the bookstore down town and gets at least a
dozen books which he devours really fast. I wish I could go through his
collection.
December
4, 2012
I see him
getting in his car every day - which is a Jaguar by the way - when I am leaving
for work. He is impeccably dressed as always. Our paths are so close to
intersection each day. Yet it never really happens. Half of me wishes it could
happen. Half of me starts palpitating at the thought of him near me.
December
15, 2012
He is
different when he is around people and different when he is all alone. And he
does live all alone. Which is strange because he really is a catch. I have seen
women swooning at the sight of him. But it's like he shuts that part of him. I
mean everybody gets lonely right?
December
25, 2012
It's
Christmas. The streets are decked up with lights! I love looking at them as
they twinkle. I could do that all night. His house is shrouded in darkness
though. But I can make out even through the darkness - his silhouette as he
sits on the floor.
Sometime
later in the night when all is quiet and I go out to the window, I can hear
strains of Blue Christmas by Elvis Presley streaming through his window.
December
30, 2012
He looked
tired today. There were shadows underneath his eyes. Maybe he misses someone?
Like I miss my Mom. Maybe he is as lonely as I am?
December
31, 2012
Fireworks
galore! New Year in a bit! He is not at home.
January
14, 2013
I thought
I was going to get caught today as I got on the same elevator as him. Thank God
there were other people.
Now, when
I pen this down, I wonder whether it really would have mattered if he did see
me. He would look at me. He might have seen me. In the office. As I sit behind
my desk. But did he really see me? Even if he did, what next? He would walk
away. And I would be as invisible as I am behind that curtain from where I
observe him every day. I am living like a ghost. That scares me.
February
5, 2013
Drinking
iced tea as I cuddle up on the bed watching The Heiress. Love that movie.
Halfway through the movie I don't know why I get this strange urge to have his
arms around me. And I love that feeling... Even if it is in my thoughts.
February
14, 2013
Yeah I
know that whole speech that people give about the significance of this day (I
am not even going to say it) that it has been commercialized and all but
people still go cuckoo crazy over it. I mean people talk about it and if they
don't talk about it they definitely think about it. Which is even more awful. I
wonder if he has a girlfriend stashed away somewhere. Very hush-hush. You
know... An extremely beautiful woman that has the honor of holding his heart.
And nurturing it. I don't like the thought of him being with someone else. I am
going crazy. I have got to stop. Stop doing this to yourself.
June 18,
2013
I have
lifted my self-imposed ban on writing in my journal. I had thought it would
help me get away from him. His thoughts. In my thoughts. But it’s only
gotten worse. And it is worse because I want him and yet want to maintain a
distance. Because I know this is too unrealistic. Why would someone like him
want to be with me? Who am I really? No points for guessing! This is
frustrating. Living with two different ideologies in your head. Both potent and
strong. Both pulling you in different directions.
July 9,
2013
Two
teenage girls running around their father in the mall today. Hankering
him for something they wanted. He finally relents and they get what they want.
It always amazes me. Actually puts me in a daze. Whenever I see kids bothering
their parents for something - anything. A doll, a dress, a new bat, a phone,
pair of shoes, another pair of shoes. And how the parents get cajoled in the
end. And they let them have their way. I can't remember a day when I had done
that. If I wanted something I could look at it and sigh every time I passed it.
And then as I got older I had to work for it. Never had the luxury of people
buying things for me. Never had the autonomy of a choice.
July 27,
2013
Silences
have such dual connotations. Sometimes they are so inviting - just what you
need. Sometimes they are so deafening - so hollow and solitary. I can discern
my own breathing pattern as I sit on my bed. My mom always said that there
would be someone. For me. She said, "He would really see you for who you
are and appreciate that. What the world fails to comprehend he would understand
and love you for it..."
Mothers
always say the nicest of things to their children, don't they? :) Because we are their children.
August
12, 2013
Pouring
outside. Buckets. Cats and dogs.
August
17, 2013
I abhor
myself at this point. I am like a sloppy little puppy... And the worst part is
I know it but I still can't do anything about it. It is so irritating when the
object of your desire is blissfully unaware of your affections. Great! Now I've
spilled coffee on the table. Just great!
September
5, 2013
Down with
a cold. Nasty one. And I have been prescribed all these ugly looking capsules.
They make me want to hurl at their sight.
September
22, 2013
I almost
thought he saw me at work today. I mean not just seeing but also recognizing
me. Almost. Wishful thinking. Heard another girl at work say that he isn't
married. And he doesn't really have a girlfriend either. Feel guilty for
eavesdropping. She said that his parents live separately and that his father
remarried. He is an only child.
October
12, 2013
What is
it about broken things that makes you want to fix them?
October
26, 2013
I laid
eyes on the most marvelous sight today when I saw him laughing. He laughed. During a
regular meeting, (where my presence was lost into oblivion as always) Jones
from Accounts said something about... Well I don't remember what but that
cracked him up. At first it started with a slow shy smile that then it broke into
a full-fledged chuckle of a laugh. He looked even more beautiful. My heart
unconsciously uttered a prayer to mend all that was broken inside him. And that
he always stays like this. Happy.
November
18, 2013
I pray
for him now. Every day. And I think its working. I think. Because I see him
beaming more often now. He seems happy. But is he?
December
9, 2013
Saw my
Mom in my dreams today. Woke up sobbing in the middle of the night. Wished I
had someone to comfort me. To tell me that things will be alright. That it
would all work out in the end. Fool me by giving me something to hold onto.
Like that relentless thing called hope.
December
25, 2013
He's not
at home tonight. And it is late. Normally I would have gone to sleep but
there's this nagging thought in my mind that something's wrong. I wait for him
to show up. Maybe he's out to meet his parents. That could be it right? But he
doesn't show up for another two hours. And then the lights in his house flicker
to life. And I see him. But he's walking in a weird way. Almost stumbling at
every step. He's drunk. And then he plops down on his couch. He looks
sad. It's crazy but it’s like I can feel what he's going through. Am I going crazy?
That urge
bobbed its head up again. And it is so strong. Unlike
anything I have ever felt before. I want to go there. To him. I imagined what it would be like. If
I could go there and... Just sit beside him. Listen to him. Comfort him.
Anything to make him feel alright. My hands ached to touch him. To run my
fingers in his hair. Maybe words would get superfluous then.
A tear
unknowingly rolls out of my eye. I sit there by the window until he passes out
on the couch. And then I spend my night watching him sleep.
God, mend
what is broken in him.
January
21, 2014
I don't
know why but I have this recurring thought in my head.
What do
people think of when they die? What are their last thoughts?
********
It was a buzzing Monday morning. Just like any other day. Or so everyone thought.
A young girl in her 20s was fast making her way through the busy streets.
Her gait interrupted as she saw something on the opposite side of the street.
The oblivious crowd failed to see her stop short as she saw him standing on the other side.
A young man emerged from the apartment building and made his way towards his silver Jaguar.
On any other day, he would've gotten in it in a huff and driven away. On any other day he would've been in a hurry. On any other day he wouldn't have noticed his surroundings.
But this was not any ordinary day.
Not for these two anyway.
Something struck him. A vision. Something he thought his eyes had perceived as he emerged from the building. Something that he felt he just shouldn't ignore.
He lifted his head before entering his car and his dejected eyes alighted on a girl that was standing on the opposite end of the street.
He had never seen her before but she somehow felt familiar to his senses. As if he had known her.
He looked at her for a good handful of seconds. Unbeknownst to his own self, a smile had spread across his beautiful features.
She was too nervous to move.
She had to remind herself to breathe as she saw him getting in his car and driving away.
He saw her. He had seen her. Finally, she was visible. She wasn't a ghost anymore.
She felt more alive in that moment than she had ever felt in her entire life.
Her lungs were alight with new life. Her veins pumped more ferociously.
She felt as if she were floating.
She started crossing the street in a daze.
She didn't see the bus.
That's when it happened.
The crowd now awake from their banal routine gathered around a lifeless body. There was commotion. There was noise.
There lay amidst them a corpse unlike any other.
Even in death her lips were hinted with a smile.
She was finally seen.
