The Girl Who Was Never There

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda. 

“We are all wonderful, beautiful wrecks. That's what connects us--that we're all broken, all beautifully imperfect.”

― Emilio Estevez

"All I could find that was worth looking is this diary," said a man dressed as a cop - one hand held a flashlight and the other held an old and highly worn out diary. 

"Bag it. Tag it. You know it," a second voice boomed from the other room. 

It was a slightly chilly morning as two policemen rummaged the house of a woman who had died the previous morning. She lived alone and had no one who could claim her body. The police had been searching for clues everywhere. Her workplace wasn't much of a help. It seemed that the girl, all of 24, was the meekest little thing on Earth. Colleagues described her as a shy personality. Not much of a talker. Sincere at work though. In order to find some link to her vague life, the police ended up at her doorstep. It looked as if their search would be futile.

********

...September 19, 2012

..What is up with the people these days? They become rabid in crowded places. Yeah, yeah we all have somewhere to get to. So we become a herd. All of us. I think me too. To some extent. Guilty. ;)

I think one day we would turn to robots. Killed on the inside by monotony. Routine! Ugh!

September 28, 2012

Saw a cat in the middle of the road. Poor thing was injured. Picked it up and placed it on the footpath. Was already running late for work or else I really would've taken it to the vet or something. Strangely, it was nowhere to be seen when I was returning in the evening. I don't want to think of what may have happened to it. The world is too cruel. It doles out unspeakable horrors on those that are able enough to raise their voice. I shudder to think what it could do to beings that can't even speak up.

September 30, 2012

Agnes from work suggested we go out for a bite at the new place after our shift ends. I didn't go. Push people away. If people came along with signs, that is what mine would read. She went anyway. Everyone. Even the new department head. He is... He is sort of beautiful.

October 15, 2012

Busy! Busy! Busy! Phew! I am up to my eyeballs in work. And that's not me exaggerating. Have to stay back late sometimes. I am okay. Do I have an option? Hmm. He is a hard worker. The new guy. It motivates me to see him so involved in what he does. He really is something.

October 20, 2012

One of those days when everything just puts you off... There are so many faces in the crowd which plaster a smile as they walk every day. Chances are they aren't really that sunshiny on the inside. For them every day is a battle. A tedious journey to embark upon. Whether they like it or not is another matter.

October 23, 2012

Thunderstorms. Are. So. Scary. It doesn't help that I am all alone in this house. I miss my mom. She would've been right beside me on nights like this.

October 24, 2012

Uh... New guy at work actually stays in front of my apartment. Like I can actually see him as he goes about his usual day. He's reading something on his phone as I write this. Yeah. I can see him. He looks good in a suit. ;)

November 5, 2012

Saw an old couple walking hand in hand today in the park. Looked like he genuinely cared for her. They kept looking into each other's eyes every now and then. It was affectionate. The lady kept talking about something and then the older man interrupted her midway with a comment that had her in splits. They seemed so happy and content to me. I remembered my Mom. She never had that.

November 18, 2012

Static in my head. Got no words... Nothing to say.

November 20, 2012

Why do all the good people have to go away so soon? Its unfair. And illogical. I don't know how or what procedure He follows while writing people's lives. Is there a rule book for Him? The God Protocol. Ha ha ha ha! That was a good one.

November 22, 2012

Sufa. That's his name. It is so different. He is so different. It's so typical of someone like me to start liking someone even if they don't really know the person that well. But I really do like him. He is not like the rest. I have seen him as he goes about his house each morning and night. I stand near my window just enough so that I can see him and also conceal myself. I don't want him catching me staring at him. Stalking him. God no! I just... I don't know...

November 25, 2012

A homeless man died on the street today. They said he died in his sleep. And there's no one that knows much about him. A loner. A nobody. I know how that feels like.

November 30, 2012

He reads. A lot! Every Sunday he goes up to the bookstore down town and gets at least a dozen books which he devours really fast. I wish I could go through his collection.

December 4, 2012

I see him getting in his car every day - which is a Jaguar by the way - when I am leaving for work. He is impeccably dressed as always. Our paths are so close to intersection each day. Yet it never really happens. Half of me wishes it could happen. Half of me starts palpitating at the thought of him near me.

December 15, 2012

He is different when he is around people and different when he is all alone. And he does live all alone. Which is strange because he really is a catch. I have seen women swooning at the sight of him. But it's like he shuts that part of him. I mean everybody gets lonely right?

December 25, 2012

It's Christmas. The streets are decked up with lights! I love looking at them as they twinkle. I could do that all night. His house is shrouded in darkness though. But I can make out even through the darkness - his silhouette as he sits on the floor.

Sometime later in the night when all is quiet and I go out to the window, I can hear strains of Blue Christmas by Elvis Presley streaming through his window.

December 30, 2012

He looked tired today. There were shadows underneath his eyes. Maybe he misses someone? Like I miss my Mom. Maybe he is as lonely as I am?

December 31, 2012

Fireworks galore! New Year in a bit! He is not at home.

January 14, 2013

I thought I was going to get caught today as I got on the same elevator as him. Thank God there were other people.

Now, when I pen this down, I wonder whether it really would have mattered if he did see me. He would look at me. He might have seen me. In the office. As I sit behind my desk. But did he really see me? Even if he did, what next? He would walk away. And I would be as invisible as I am behind that curtain from where I observe him every day. I am living like a ghost. That scares me.

February 5, 2013

Drinking iced tea as I cuddle up on the bed watching The Heiress. Love that movie. Halfway through the movie I don't know why I get this strange urge to have his arms around me. And I love that feeling... Even if it is in my thoughts.

February 14, 2013

Yeah I know that whole speech that people give about the significance of this day (I am not even going to say it) that it has been commercialized and all but people still go cuckoo crazy over it. I mean people talk about it and if they don't talk about it they definitely think about it. Which is even more awful. I wonder if he has a girlfriend stashed away somewhere. Very hush-hush. You know... An extremely beautiful woman that has the honor of holding his heart. And nurturing it. I don't like the thought of him being with someone else. I am going crazy. I have got to stop. Stop doing this to yourself.

June 18, 2013

I have lifted my self-imposed ban on writing in my journal. I had thought it would help me get away from him. His thoughts. In my thoughts. But it’s only gotten worse. And it is worse because I want him and yet want to maintain a distance. Because I know this is too unrealistic. Why would someone like him want to be with me? Who am I really? No points for guessing! This is frustrating. Living with two different ideologies in your head. Both potent and strong. Both pulling you in different directions.

July 9, 2013

Two teenage girls running around their father in the mall today. Hankering him for something they wanted. He finally relents and they get what they want. It always amazes me. Actually puts me in a daze. Whenever I see kids bothering their parents for something - anything. A doll, a dress, a new bat, a phone, pair of shoes, another pair of shoes. And how the parents get cajoled in the end. And they let them have their way. I can't remember a day when I had done that. If I wanted something I could look at it and sigh every time I passed it. And then as I got older I had to work for it. Never had the luxury of people buying things for me. Never had the autonomy of a choice.

July 27, 2013

Silences have such dual connotations. Sometimes they are so inviting - just what you need. Sometimes they are so deafening - so hollow and solitary. I can discern my own breathing pattern as I sit on my bed. My mom always said that there would be someone. For me. She said, "He would really see you for who you are and appreciate that. What the world fails to comprehend he would understand and love you for it..."

Mothers always say the nicest of things to their children, don't they? :)  Because we are their children. 

August 12, 2013

Pouring outside. Buckets. Cats and dogs.

August 17, 2013

I abhor myself at this point. I am like a sloppy little puppy... And the worst part is I know it but I still can't do anything about it. It is so irritating when the object of your desire is blissfully unaware of your affections. Great! Now I've spilled coffee on the table. Just great!

September 5, 2013

Down with a cold. Nasty one. And I have been prescribed all these ugly looking capsules. They make me want to hurl at their sight.

September 22, 2013

I almost thought he saw me at work today. I mean not just seeing but also recognizing me. Almost. Wishful thinking. Heard another girl at work say that he isn't married. And he doesn't really have a girlfriend either. Feel guilty for eavesdropping. She said that his parents live separately and that his father remarried. He is an only child.

October 12, 2013

What is it about broken things that makes you want to fix them?

October 26, 2013

I laid eyes on the most marvelous sight today when I saw him laughing. He laughed. During a regular meeting, (where my presence was lost into oblivion as always) Jones from Accounts said something about... Well I don't remember what but that cracked him up. At first it started with a slow shy smile that then it broke into a full-fledged chuckle of a laugh. He looked even more beautiful. My heart unconsciously uttered a prayer to mend all that was broken inside him. And that he always stays like this. Happy.

November 18, 2013

I pray for him now. Every day. And I think its working. I think. Because I see him beaming more often now. He seems happy. But is he?

December 9, 2013

Saw my Mom in my dreams today. Woke up sobbing in the middle of the night. Wished I had someone to comfort me. To tell me that things will be alright. That it would all work out in the end. Fool me by giving me something to hold onto. Like that relentless thing called hope.

December 25, 2013

He's not at home tonight. And it is late. Normally I would have gone to sleep but there's this nagging thought in my mind that something's wrong. I wait for him to show up. Maybe he's out to meet his parents. That could be it right? But he doesn't show up for another two hours. And then the lights in his house flicker to life. And I see him. But he's walking in a weird way. Almost stumbling at every step. He's drunk. And then he plops down on his couch. He looks sad. It's crazy but it’s like I can feel what he's going through. Am I going crazy?

That urge bobbed its head up again. And it is so strong. Unlike anything I have ever felt before. I want to go there. To him. I imagined what it would be like. If I could go there and... Just sit beside him. Listen to him. Comfort him. Anything to make him feel alright. My hands ached to touch him. To run my fingers in his hair. Maybe words would get superfluous then.

A tear unknowingly rolls out of my eye. I sit there by the window until he passes out on the couch. And then I spend my night watching him sleep.

God, mend what is broken in him.

January 21, 2014

I don't know why but I have this recurring thought in my head.

What do people think of when they die? What are their last thoughts?

********

 It was a buzzing Monday morning. Just like any other day. Or so everyone thought. 

A young girl in her 20s was fast making her way through the busy streets. 

Her gait interrupted as she saw something on the opposite side of the street. 

The oblivious crowd failed to see her stop short as she saw him standing on the other side. 

A young man emerged from the apartment building and made his way towards his silver Jaguar. 

On any other day, he would've gotten in it in a huff and driven away. On any other day he would've been in a hurry. On any other day he wouldn't have noticed his surroundings. 

But this was not any ordinary day.

Not for these two anyway. 

Something struck him. A vision. Something he thought his eyes had perceived as he emerged from the building. Something that he felt he just shouldn't ignore. 

He lifted his head before entering his car and his dejected eyes alighted on a girl that was standing on the opposite end of the street. 

He had never seen her before but she somehow felt familiar to his senses. As if he had known her. 

He looked at her for a good handful of seconds. Unbeknownst to his own self, a smile had spread across his beautiful features. 

She was too nervous to move. 

She had to remind herself to breathe as she saw him getting in his car and driving away.

He saw her. He had seen her. Finally, she was visible. She wasn't a ghost anymore. 

She felt more alive in that moment than she had ever felt in her entire life. 

Her lungs were alight with new life. Her veins pumped more ferociously. 

She felt as if she were floating. 

She started crossing the street in a daze. 

She didn't see the bus.

That's when it happened. 

The crowd now awake from their banal routine gathered around a lifeless body. There was commotion. There was noise. 

There lay amidst them a corpse unlike any other.

Even in death her lips were hinted with a smile. 

She was finally seen.